Reflecting...again

About a week ago I had posted about my conundrum with the church we attend. I haven't stopped going. We did go to the evening service that day but missed Wednesday night. This past Sunday we went to both morning and evening service.

The morning service had a lot of visitors to the church that I was happy to see. Attendance to church has been waning for almost a year now. I had thought that perhaps I was having issues with there not being very many people attending the church and that is why I was feeling that it wasn't the right place for us. But I don't think that is it.

As I listened (as I usually do) to the Pastor talk on this past Sunday morning, I began to see that the problem may not be with the church but with me. I know that I am not perfect but it may have been that I was putting the blame elsewhere for my reservations with church. There isn't anything wrong with the church, or the pastor, or the messages given. It is me.

Our church has only 4 families (not including Pastor and his wife) that attend on a regular basis. I do include our family in that number although we miss Wednesday nights quite often. There are three families with children (including our family). There is not a children's program besides Sunday school. Right now there are only two boys (ages 12 and 10) and five girls (ages 13, 9, 6, 5, & 4). The three younger girls go with Miss Erma (Pastor's wife) for Sunday school, while the 13 and 9 year old girls go with Miss Hannah (Pastor's daughter in law). The two boys alternate between Pastor and Brother Jacob (Pastor's son) for their Sunday school lesson. Every other Sunday we have Q & A Sunday for adult Sunday school, which I appreciate. The other Sunday, Pastor gives a talk.

The church is Independent Baptist. They do not condone drinking and feel that women should wear skirts or dresses at all times. They believe in the Trinity and that Jesus died on the cross to atone for mankind's sin. They believe that the Bible (specifically the KJV) is the infallible word of God. They do not condone same gender marriage and are also very conservative in a political sense. Although the Pastor's political views are not pushed, it is easy to see where they (the church in general) stand on political issues. They believe that tattoos and piercings are wrong as well as smoking or overeating, because it is destroying the body that God supplied and should be kept well. Although I honestly do not know all that the church believes, this is what I have gathered from going for over a year. What is wrong with those views? Nothing that I can see. I do have trouble with the Trinity and that Jesus died on a literal cross. I do not have a problem with the other views of the church. Oh, I do not wear skirts/dresses all the time, nor do I see the need to...and tattoos are not a problem for me either... I think those issues (like how to wear ones hair perhaps) are issues between God and the person.

My daughter attends a youth group at a local Presbyterian Church, and my son will also be attending in the fall, on Sunday evenings instead of going to evening service at our church. The Pastor did tell my son that it is a 'betrayal' to our church for her (and eventually him) to go to the other church when there is service at our church. I disagree with this and it bothers me a little that the Pastor would tell my child that. But I don't think that is enough of a reason to make me feel that the church is not the right place for us. Fortunately, my children have an open communication with me and they know I will not just fly off the handle when they tell me something. I like to explain things when I am telling them how I feel or what I think. I think that it helps them with their ability to think about what others say and not just take it as a fact. I would like to see more involvement with the community through our church but I don't see that happening. Right now there is a ministry at one of the local assisted living centers and they would like to start a Sunday school ministry where they are able to actually pick the kids up and bring them to the church on Sundays. That is something that would be good to have happen.

So, what is my problem? And why do I say, now, that it is me and not the church itself? I wonder if it isn't my own lack of commitment and involvement with the church that bothers me. I'm a bit (okay, a lot) of an introvert; I am fairly shy and do not like to stick my neck out. I notice things that I would like to happen or I think I could help with but do not offer my ideas or help because I worry that I will mess up or that my ideas or offers of help will be rejected. Perhaps it is a self-esteem issue, who knows. I have begun to volunteer at the local library's used book sale (which I love) and that has helped with my confidence in the 'putting myself out there' bit.

Pastor has talked more than once on committing to do something for the Lord. I have often thought of this but feel inadequate. Quite inadequate. But it is tugging at me more and more. I can't really expect it all to just come to me without any effort on my part. I really do not know where to start though. I pray for God to help with my heart because that is where my problems lie, I believe. It could be my mind, my conscience, whatever you would like to call it. But that is where it starts. If I cannot get that straight, it doesn't matter what church I go to or who is the Pastor, or what the message is. If my heart isn't right, it will be for naught in my case.

That is my reflecting for the day (or for now). I know I need to pray more. And if any that read this feel it in their hearts to say a prayer for me, it would most appreciated. I know that God hears prayers and the more people that pray for a cause, the louder it is to God.

Now that it is after 9am...time to get school started so that we can get done before 6pm today!